Send in the Clowns
by DanieXJ
Summary: A movie that's shown just too much, or a delightful Valentine's Day story depending on your point of view.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Send in the Clowns

Pairing(s): Kim/Kerry

Summary: A movie that's shown just too much, or a delightful Valentine's Day story depending on your point of view.

Disclaimer: I don't own the songs, the characters, or the movie.

* * *

**February 2002**

Kim sighed and looked out at the Golden Gate Bridge. It was Red, she shook her head, another, slightly different color of Red coming into her mind's eye. It wasn't the color that made her sad though. It was the face that went with that beautiful hair. She turned slightly and looked out at the water. It seemed to change from moment to moment, a lot like that red-head's eyes. It always amazed Kim to look in her eyes. One moment they could be dark green, the next moment they could be the color of the bay, and then suddenly they could be the color of newly shorn grass. Kim stared up at the slowly darkening sky, seeing little pinpoints of light just starting to make themselves known. She saw that the moon was quite close to the horizon, and it too, was bright red. "Harvest Moon, figures." She looked down as her pager beeped. "Ah, back to reality. Maybe I'll get lucky and it will be a deranged guy in an Opossum suit." Kim shook her head, glanced one more time at the Bridge, and walked back the way that she had come.

* * *

Kerry dashed down the hall, almost slamming into a distracted Malucci. "What yourself Dr. Weaver."

Kerry shouted a, "Sorry Dave," and kept going out the door. She slowed down as she got to Doc Magoos. Briefly wondering, as she always did when she went in the door, who in the world Doc Magoo had been. The private detective, or the man who called himself a private detective was there. "Hello. You have information for me."

The Private Detective smiled superficially. "A woman who gets right to the point, I like that."

Kerry narrowed her eyes at the Private D. "Look, I'm on a break, and my last break in here...look. All I want is the information,"

The Private Detective seemed to be waiting for something. Kerry pulled out a piece of paper from one of her lab coat pockets, and handed it to him. "Now, I would like the information on my birth mother."

The Private Detective handed over a small sheaf of papers and tipped an imaginary hat to Kerry. "It's been a pleasure doing business with you Doctor Weaver."

Kerry rolled her eyes as The PD left Doc Magoos, and opened up the sheaf of papers, briefly looking down to make sure that she did indeed have her pager. She quickly scanned them, looking for the important information. She finally zoned in on the most important part, an address. She groaned, in New York City. She sighed, and thought to herself, 'Well, I do have nineteen more days banked. Maybe I will take another vacation.' She nodded to herself and headed back to the hospital.

* * *

Kim shook her head again at her chief. "Look, Leval, I don't want to go to New York City. And anyway, I'm the rookie on this team, why send me."

Dr. Leval Curtis smiled, "Kim, you just answered your own question. And the reason that I'm picking you to go, is because you have actually been in an ER more than twice. There are going to be hundreds of ER physicians there, and maybe three or four Psych docs. Come on, please. Hey, you could go see the Empire State Building or something."

Kim snorted, "Yeah, right. Fine, I'll go. When do I leave."

"Tomorrow."

Kim shook her head and pursed her lips, "Well, that figures. Good thing you caught me when I have no life, huh Leval."

Leval patted Kim on the shoulder. "Hey, you're starting to fit in here pretty well. Give it time."

With that he walked off, leaving Kim standing there shaking her head, "What if I don't want to give it time." She signed the chart that she had been holding in her hands since Leval interrupted her, and put it where it belonged on the psych admit desk. Her pager beeped again, and she looked down. It was the ER again. "Why do I always get the ER rotations. Least at County there was some spice."


	2. Chapter 2

**February 14th, 2002**

Dave Malucci actually laughed as he looked at the board. "My God Randi, she did it again. You know, she might be a bitch again and all that. But she definitely has some balls. Romano is going to go off on this like...like..."

Randi deadpanned, "Fireworks."

Dave snapped his fingers, "Yeah, like fireworks. I'm so glad I'm on, cause this, this I want to see."

From around the corner in the ER came Romano's bellowing voice, "Greene..." Malucci smiled, quickly changing it to a serious face as Romano came around the corner. Romano addressed everyone at the admit desk, "Where is Greene?"

Malucci pointed towards one of the exams, "I think he went that way Dr. Romano."

Romano nodded quickly, "Right, thank you...Martiluchi."

Malucci started to open his mouth to correct Romano, but thought better of it, and just shrugged. Randi clapped him on the back, "It is a miracle, you're actually learning."

Malucci shrugged out of Randi's hand, and grabbed a chart. "Fuck you

Randi."

Randi shrugged, the insult bouncing off her very thick skin. She mumbled to herself, "Well, at least I know where she is. But no one every asks the desk clerk, nope, I'm just here to do your bidding, and to get trashed upon."

* * *

Kerry looked up what was once again one of the tallest buildings in at least New York. She looked over towards where the World Trade Center buildings had stood and shook her head. Still remembering September Eleventh like it was yesterday. Coming into work fifteen minutes early, as usual, and finding out minutes later that a plane had crashed into one of the buildings. And then both feeling fear that it would happen in Chicago, and resolve that she would do her job no matter what happened. And then, thinking of Kim, and not knowing where she was.

_Kerry clutched at the phone in her hands, desperately trying to remember if Kim had ever said anything about anyone that she knew in San Francisco, or in any of California. Of course, she didn't even know if Kim was really in San Francisco, that was just what everyone who participated in the rumor mill here in the hospital thought._

_She sighed and put down the phone, looking up as a trauma came streaming in. She put a hand up towards Mark, indicating that she would take it. He shrugged and went back to watching the news._

_Later in the day she decided that she should probably check her voice mail messages on her cell phone. She cycled through them, glad to know that her adopted brother and sister, both who lived in New York were fine. They wanted her to call them at her earliest convenience, but warned that telephone communications were very unreliable at the moment. There was a call from her college roommate who lived in Washington D.C., who she had kept in touch with since then also saying that she was all right, and for Kerry to call her back as well._

_Kerry almost shut the phone before she heard that there was another voice mail on it. She pressed to listen to it. The voice was soft, almost too soft to hear. "Hi, Kerry, I guess that you are doing something heroic, or daring, or maybe paperwork. Um...don't ask me why I called, I just...you don't know my number, and...I just wanted you to know that I'm all right. I...be assured, I too know that you are all right. Take care of yourself Ker...and eat something tonight."_

_Kerry didn't delete this message, she just stared at the phone blinking three, four, five times. Carter was the one who interrupted her, "You know, you have to punch buttons to make the thing work right?"_

_Kerry shook her head and smirked at Carter, "Yes, I know that Dr. Carter. Now, are you still having that back pain?"_

Kerry looked down at the phone on her belt. She still had Kim's message on there. She shook her head and climbed out of the cab in front of her hotel. When she got to the front desk. She gave her name, "Dr. Kerry Weaver. I just need a single room. Almost anything will do."

The concierge chuckled, "Yeah, that's good, because that's about all we have. Are you in town for the Emergency Medicine conference, supposedly they are going to unveil some great thing about combining Emergency Medicine with Psych in the ER. I don't really understand it, just read the brochure."

Kerry tilted her head to one side and raised an eyebrow, "Well, I might pop on by. But no, I'm not in town for it."

The concierge winked at Kerry, "Ah, then you're in town to meet that special someone on the Empire State Building a la An Affair to Remember?"

Kerry shook her head, "Not exactly..."

The concierge handed Kerry a key. "Well, here you go. I hope you have a good stay in New York." Kerry nodded and made her way to the elevator to get on.

* * *

Kim got to the hotel and immediately got her key and went to her room. Not wanting to yet venture out into the world of people. She sighed as she looked out her window at the Empire State building. "Well, that will have to wait for a couple of days I guess. Fun, fun, fun conferences to go to. Great, I'm talking to myself."

She sighed as she journeyed downstairs to the dining room. She could have sworn that she saw a red head that looked exactly like Kerry sitting at the bar. But she shook herself out of it. Her Kerry would never get such a bad hair cut. It looked like the woman at the bar had been attacked by a feral dog. She shrugged and sat down for dinner.

* * *

Kerry looked up at the house that held her future. She tentatively knocked on the door. Not knowing if her birth mother lived alone or not. "Who's there?" Came from the other side of the door.

Kerry cleared her throat, "My name is Kerry Weaver. I wondered if we could talk for a moment. I..."

The older voice on the other side of the door growled, "Now, you think that because I'm old and frail that you can pull that kind of thing on me. Well, I don't want to buy anything. So kindly get your ass off my porch."

Kerry frowned, not realizing exactly how much this woman sounded like her, "Please ma'am, I'm not a salesman, I can promise you that. I just would like to talk to you for a moment."

Kerry took a deep breath as the door opened a little bit. The woman rolled her eyes and gestured that Kerry should come in. "If you try to sell me anything, I'll whack you with my walker, just so we have that straight."

Kerry smiled a little as she took the seat that the woman gestured, "You're Ms. Jean O'Fellen? Is that an Irish name?"

Jean raised an eyebrow, "What's it to you. Now, state why you are here, or get out of my house."

Kerry twiddled her fingers nervously, "I'm Kerry Weaver, and, I've been lead to believe that you are my biological mother."

Jean raised up faster than Kerry thought someone of her age group should be able to, Jean pointed towards the door. "Get out, get out now."

Kerry frowned as she stood, "I don't, I don't under...I'm not sure I..."

Jean followed Kerry to the door, "Why do you think that I gave you up, because I was young, do I look young to you Doctor. I don't want to have anything to do with you. You were deformed, you weren't right. Because of you your brother was lost. Because of you I was lost...get out of my house now...NOW!"

Kerry was still trying her best to salvage the situation. Tears threatening to fall at any moment. "Look...Ms." She swallowed, "O'Fellen, here... here is my card. I..." She bowed her head, "I'm sorry for disturbing you tonight."

* * *

Kim paced around her room, the day was finally over. Boring it had been, very boring. What she wouldn't have done to be there with Kerry. Ker always knew how to make a conference interesting. Kim chuckled at the last presentation that they had attended together. Neuroleptic theory or something along those lines. Honestly she couldn't really remember most of it. But Kerry, Kerry had both taken notes, and managed to keep Kim in a ball of hysterics, trying to keep a straight face, and not laugh at a very serious subject. Most of the time, not doing a very good job. She looked out her window to see the side of the Empire State Building light up with a large heart. She looked at her watch. "Well, it probably isn't closed yet, maybe I'll go up there and gaze at some stars."

She smiled.

* * *

Kerry rocked herself back and forth, not really caring that most of the tourists visiting New York City were staring at her. No one tried to come up to her and comfort her. They just let her shake and rock back and forth. She looked up at the sky, seeing that the moon was bright red. A Harvest Moon, she hadn't seen one of those in a while. She closed her eyes to prevent the rush of tears that threatened to fall. She felt the light become blocked by some form, she shuddered and spoke in a slightly strangled voice, "Look, whoever you are, please go away. I'm fine...really."

From above the voice spoke, "My God, it is really you Kerry. You're freezing to death. Why are you sitting up here in barely a jacket." Kim kneeled down next to Kerry and started to rub up and down Kerry's arms. "This isn't working. You're a Doctor Kerry. Why in the world would you subject yourself to this."

Kerry slowly looked up, sure that if she looked her hallucination straight in the eye it would go away. Kim's visage stayed, and stared worriedly into Kerry's rapidly clouding over eyes. Kim finally gave up trying to warm her with her hands and stripped off her own coat, wrapping it around Kerry's shivering body. "Look, we should get out of here Ker, because now I'm going to freeze to death."

Kerry sighed and looked back down, "Just, just go away, you can have your coat back. I'll be fine...I've been cold for so long now, why would this even touch me?"

Kim sighed and sat down next to Kerry. "Kerry, you're going to catch your death out here. It is cold."

Kerry's face whirled to stare at Kim, "Why the hell would you care Legaspi, you ran away, I needed you more than anything, and you...damn you, you ran away. I don't even know where you ran to. Do you live here, are you really in San Francisco, maybe Alaska, or Boston. I get one friggin' call from you, and now you want to be friends because you feel guilty."

Kim closed her eyes for a moment, "Yes, I ran away, yes, that was wrong of me. I did exactly what I was accusing you of doing. I just couldn't go back in the closet Ker. I found out that I am not willing to do that, not for anyone on a permanent basis."

Kerry suddenly stood up, wobbled a bit, and caught herself on the edge of the building. "Right, I wasn't out at the hospital...your big problem with me. I wasn't out yet. Kim, God Kim, don't you understand, I wasn't even out to myself Kim. And here you were asking me to bare my all to that bastard Romano."

Kim looked down onto New York City, "Kerry, I wasn't asking anything of you."

Kerry shook her head, "In what universe. You, the out lesbian friggin' advocate. Well, guess what, you might have missed the bulletin, for you, so that you could stay at that miserable place called County General, I came out to Romano. Yep, so now what. Now what are you going to use as your excuse, it hasn't gotten around the office grapevine yet. Does that not count. You know, Romano is using it on me, every chance he gets is rubbing it in. And you know what, I really don't give a damn, because I won't be seeing women anymore." Kim's face dropped into a deep frown/grimace. "Do you want to know why? Because damnit Kim, I love you."

Kim shivered a little and looked down at her shoes, "Thank you."

Kerry seemed to come to her senses, and swallowed, "Look, we should probably get off the roof. It is getting a bit nippy. We could go back to my hotel, get something to eat? It's...it's been a long day."

Kim put an arm around Kerry's shoulders. "Maybe we should talk a little..." Kim looked at Kerry with one eye, "Catch up."


	3. Chapter 3

"So, am I Sam or Annie?"

Kerry looked up from her steaming cup of coffee. She was sitting stiffly on her hotel bed. While Kim sat in a chair to one side of it. "What?"

Kim smiled slightly, "Sam or Annie, you know that..."

Kerry shook her head and looked down, "So young."

Kim crinkled her eyes at this, "What do mean so young. I'm almost as old as you are."

Kerry tried to hide the smile that came to her face, "Well, I would have to say that I'm Nicky, and you're Terry. Because I couldn't see my own nose I am so stubborn."

Kim snapped her fingers, "Oh, right, some sort of an Affair to forget or something?"

Kerry shook her head in consternation, "An Affair to Remember."

Kim smiled sheepishly, "I knew that." Kerry resumed her staring into space. "So, I liked The King and I, what did you think about it?" Kerry didn't respond, just nodded her head. "So, how do you like your Purple people eater."

Kerry mumbled, "Fine."

Kim got up and sat back down next to Kerry on the bed. "Ker, I know that we parted on horrible, even worse than horrible terms, and then I didn't call, and then September Eleventh happened. I made bad, bad choices, and then I didn't admit that to myself, and then when I finally did. I knew that you would never let me back into your life."

Kerry shrugged, "Whatever."

Kim's frown got deeper. "What is wrong Kerry. I didn't see you at the conference, why are you in New York anyway?"

Kerry finally looked over towards Kim, "Where were you Kim. Really, where were you?"

Kim looked down towards her hands, "I went to San Francisco, but I really was planning to come back. It was just that a good friend from Med School was very short handed, and...he...practically begged me to come. I...I ran."

Kerry put her fingers on Kim's mouth. "Look, please, just stop speaking. I just...I'm not ready yet." Kim went to get up, and Kerry held on. "To talk Kim, to talk. Look, I've had a long day, you've had a long night. Can't we just get some rest?"

Kim raised an eyebrow, "Fully clothed."

Kerry shook her head an almost laughed, "Yes, it won't hurt. Tomorrow, we'll talk."

* * *

Kim woke up to Kerry crying into her shoulder. But Kim didn't think that Kerry was awake. She didn't even think about it before she started stroking Kerry's hair and murmuring reassurances to her. She thought back to before she had left for San Francisco, before all this had started, when they would just sleep like this. Fully clothed, usually in pajamas not street clothes, and cuddling. Kim

shook her head, where did they go wrong. Kerry had seemed to calm down a bit, and Kim gently climbed out of the bed and went out onto the pathetic excuse for a balcony. As she glanced back at Kerry's portable alarm clock. It wasn't Valentine's Day anymore. Kim shook her head as she leaned against the railing. This had not been one of Kim's better Valentine's Days. She put her head in her hands.

Kerry had been woken up by the abrupt change in warmth. That was one thing that Kim had always seemed to be, very warm. She glanced over at the balcony to see Kim leaning over the balcony with her head in her hands. Kerry quietly got up, and padded over to the balcony. Gently putting a hand on one of Kim's shoulders. "You okay Kim?"

Kim tried to shrug non-committedly, but failed miserably. "No, no I'm not. But we'd better get back to sleep. I guess I'll go back to my room, it's been, it's been fun Kerbear."

Kerry stood in front of the entrance back into the room. "Kim, look, I know that something is on your mind, and I..." in a small voice she continued, "It's tomorrow."

Kim smiled a sad smile. "But you must have a plane to catch."

Kerry shook her head as they both went back into the room. This time sitting across from each other on the bed. "Ah, that's where you're wrong. Cause the one good thing about being a workaholic bitch is that when you take a vacation, you get to take a vacation."

Kim shook her head in bemusement, and glanced at the rising sun that bounced off Kerry's red hair and made it glow like the harvest moon had a couple of nights ago. "You really need to do something with that Ker."

Kerry frowned, "What?"

Kim pointed at Kerry's hair, "Your hair, it is a horrible cut."

Kerry gave Kim a sideways glance, "Aren't we supposed to be mending fences here Legaspi?"

Kim opened and closed her mouth a few times, "Hey, I'm just saying..." Kerry shrugged, and let it go. Kim took a deep breath, trying to decide where to start. "You were having quite a nightmare a few minutes ago."

Kerry looked down, to stem the tears that were about to flow, "Yeah, I... remember how I told you that a while ago I hired a Private Detective to um...find my birth mother, family, whatever. Anyway, he fucked up majorly last time." Kim's head snapped up at Kerry's use of a swear, "But a few months ago he came back to find me. Seems that he had found my birth mother for real this time. It took a long time for me to debate what to do. But a few days ago I decided to go for it. He gave me the information, and I hopped on a plane to New York to find her."

Kim nodded, seemingly slipping into her Psychiatrist mode, "Did you find her?"

Kerry laughed harshly, "Yeah, I found her, and found out that she didn't want me. You know, you think that you know everything about yourself. And then boom, out of thin air comes the love of your life, and you are suddenly standing on your head in a snowstorm. And then, everything finally calms down. You lose your love, but you kinda know who the hell you are again. Then something else gets thrown on your plate. Your mother, you get to find your mother, it will tell you so many things about yourself. You could know who you really are, and

then, boom, she doesn't even know you, and yet, she hates you. All I have ever wanted in life is to please my parents, and then it was to please myself, and then it was you. I have failed everyone so much. My parents are dead, I'm simply a worker bee for that ass Romano, and you, well, I blew that all to hell several times."

Kim didn't know what to do, she was torn between staying right where she was, and scooting across the bed to give Kerry a large hug. She wound up doing the former, and staring down at the very interesting bedspread. "Kerry, you...I don't know why you would want to make me proud of you. I mean, the first time I saw you I was in awe of what you were doing. You were one of the most charismatic, most in charge, most beautiful, and smart people who I had ever met. No, but now, I wish that I had never kissed you. Started you on this whole stupid journey of yours. I was so selfish, I was so..."

Kim reeled back as Kerry reached across the short distance between them and slapped Kim. "How dare you say that." Kerry backed up into the head board shaking her head, "No, no, we both made mistakes. I need this, in some evilly perverse way. But I want it over with. You'll never guess what I did the day you left. Never guess." Kim looked confused, "I told the bastard Romano that I was a lesbian."

Kim nodded slowly, "So, does the whole hospital know? Are you okay with that?"

"Actually, the...to take a nickname from Elizabeth's vocabulary...turd is actually keeping his trap shut."

Kim nodded and happened to glance over at the bedside clock. She sighed, "I should really go Ker, I don't want to, please believe that. But I'm only here for the conference. We should..."

Kerry nodded and got up along with Kim, slipping on her ER chief mask, "Right, keep in touch. I mean, email, or we could chat, or the phone."

Kim nodded and moved towards Kerry, who stuck a hand out. Kim smiled and gently took Kerry's face in her hands, and they kissed. With that Kim left the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Randi was again the first person to greet Kerry as she came into the ER two weeks later, everyone else there ignoring her presence. Randi smiled, "You cut it again. Wow, how did you like the big apple? Romano is out looking for your hide. I'd watch out."

Kerry turned around and patted a surprised Randi on her hand, "Thanks for the heads up, but I could really give a damn. He can run the hospital, I'll run my department, other than that he can stick it up his..."

Romano, of course, appeared from out of no where, "I'd be careful who you threaten Dr. Weaver. I mean, you have always said that you didn't want your personal life out in the open. It wouldn't be good for working relationships."

Kerry and Romano now had everyone's attention in the ER. Kerry took a deep breath, "What exactly are you threatening with me Robert. I have nothing to hide. What, you want to tell my staff that I'm a lesbian. Okay, do that. But how much you want to bet that most of them already know. Don't ask me how, but I bet they do. You see, I might be a bitch, I might be a tyrant, but Robert, at least I'm still in the gossip mill."

Romano sneered at Kerry and started to open his mouth when Malucci stepped in front of Weaver. "Dr. Romano, do you have business down here?"

Romano seemed to be thinking of saying something else, but instead shrugged, and tried to walk away looking as though he had won this confrontation. Kerry looked over at Malucci, with a slight smirk she spoke, "Get back to work Malucci. Everyone, back to work."

Everyone scuttled away, most not even speaking. Kerry only heard a few derogatory remarks about her coming out, coming clean to the ER staff. She took a deep breath, and suddenly her legs just went out from under her. Randi jumped to catch the falling chief, she was confused by how light the chief felt, until she heard a familiar soft voice speak. "I've got her Randi. You can get back to work."

Randi looked suspiciously at Kim, "Are you sure Dr. Legaspi?"

Kim nodded as she put one arm under Kerry's head, and one under her knees. "Yes, I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Now, you had better get back to work, somehow Kerry knows everything, even if she is unconscious."

Randi chuckled as she laid Kerry's crutch on top of Kim's arms, Randi started to get back to work, and then thought of something. "Welcome back Dr. Legaspi."

Kim smiled, "Tomorrow's a full moon. Couldn't miss a full moon in Chicago...I mean, it's the closest I'll ever get to going to Mardi Gras."

Kim gently set Kerry down on the couch and looked around the room for a moment, finally finding the smelling salts that she was looking for. She waved them under Kerry's nose, and Kerry awoke with a start. Kerry stared up at Kim as if she were an apparition. "I'm real Ker."

Kerry still didn't look convinced, "Course, now I'm never going to live down fainting in front of my staff."

Kim smiled, "I think that they'll be able to deal with it. After all, no one ran for the hills when you made your little announcement."

Kerry put her head in her hands, "Oh God, I actually did it, I wasn't planning on doing that, now, am I ready. God what if I'm not. Aren't you supposed to be in San Francisco?"

Kim smiled, "Nah, I figured, I mean, the summers are so much hotter, and the winters so much warmer. And I mean, the ocean is so close, and..." Kerry shot Kim a death look. "But none of that compares to what I have in Chicago."

Kerry looked down, "Ah, Lori, Christie, Kate."

Kim pulled Kerry's chin up so that Kerry had to look Kim in her eyes, "No, because of you Kerry. You know, I remember you saying something up on a very tall building on a night when it was very, very cold outside. You said that you loved me. Well, you know what. I think that my brain froze that night, because I never said anything back. Kerry Weaver, I love you, I will always love you, and I always have loved you. It was just this little thing called humanity that got in our way. So, what do you say, slow and steady beats the race. Maybe go out on a second first date. Both knowing it's a date, no missed signals, lots of talking?"

Kerry tilted her head back and forth, "Lots of kissing." Kerry moved steadily towards Kim's lips and before Kim could say a word she captured them in a guerrilla kiss. They both came up breathless, "Good thing that I didn't want to be friends, wouldn't you say Legaspi?"

Kim laughed with unbridled happiness, "Weaver, you don't know the half of it."

* * *

Fin - October 8th, 2001


End file.
